Real Parenting VS Ideal Parenthood...

I have been typing and deleting for about 4 minutes now, trying to find a way to start this post. It is hard for me and as I type these words I am fighting back the urge to go into our room, lay on the bed and cry while Natalie naps. I tend to do this more often than I would like to admit. She has developmental problems we have yet to find a cause for. Its heartbreaking. Growing up I always wanted to be a mother, even though my pregnancy was a VERY unexpected gift. I, as I am sure most pregnant women do, had this image of how she was going to look and act. I prepared myself to teach her by reading every parenting article I could get my hands on. I weighed the pros and cons of every type of method from sleeping to eating to playing to learning and back! I was prepared and determined to be the best mother in the world no matter what!

More often than not, I feel hopeless; less and less like the supermom I was ready to become. She is behind mentally and physically. I would trade ANY part of my life, if only she could have a normal one. I didn't/don't do drugs or drink. I exercised during pregnancy all the recommended ways. I ate healthy at least 85% of the time... I cant help but think it is my fault. I didn't take enough prenatal supplements or maybe I shouldn't have slept that way that one night... But I know there is nothing I could have done. I get frustrated when I do her "at home therapy" because she just CANT do things she should be able to... Then I feel bad because, what kind of a mother gets frustrated at that? I should be helping her, not thinking of myself! Who cares how I feel when my daughter, my whole world is struggling to learn to sit!

I have recently started taking medication for depression/anxiety. Again, I think... What a horrible mother I am.... I shouldn't need a pill to help me keep from feeling hopeless. I have a beautiful child and a wonderful fiance! So, on top of feeling hopeless and frustrated about my child's future, I feel guilty that I don't appreciate the things I do have.

I don't know what there is that I can do. We have seen doctors and have tests pending, but its so hard. Waiting for news you and everyone who works with your child know its going to be bad. The day Natalie was born, was the best day of my life. I feel like some people say that and they only say it because everyone does... But, I never knew a heart could feel so much love. Its the most incredible and indescribable feeling. But hearing that your daughter will need physical therapy for years, and she needs to see a neurologist, and that she isn't hitting even close to her milestones...

HEARTBREAK.

That feeling is easy to describe. My perfect child isn't perfect? No, not MY child! Mike says things like.. "she will grow out of it", and I know he just needs to tell himself that  to feel better. He doesn't want to believe his precious baby girl, HIS world, is anything but perfect.

I remember once, right before I got pregnant, I was praying for patience in looking for a new job...Well God, you sure did show me how much patience I really have...
I know my God has given me more strength than I ever though I would have to handle this hurdle and I am grateful for that. I enjoy the small goals that Natalie reaches more than any other mom I know does with their child. I feel like maybe I have at least that to look forward to. Her smaller (and seemingly less important) victories are huge celebrations in our house and I love every one of them.

I guess part of being a "super mom" is preparing yourself for heartbreak. No child will be perfect. But to me, my sweet Natalie is perfectly imperfect and I love her all the same. Her motivation and determination is incredible. I would give any one of my talents for that.

My 8 Month Old Loves Hide&Seek

Natalie LOVES to play underneath our coffee table in the den. The whole space is pretty much hers to play in so its not a big deal, its just entertaining to watch. She has just recently learned to "army crawl" and she works her way to the coffee table and just kinda plays there... even if there aren't any toys with her!

Whenever we "find" her she gets all excited and squeals a little :) Its super adorable! Here are a few pics I snapped of her playing under the table. Please excuse the horrible pictures as they were all taken with my cell (because I NEVER have my camera when I need to take a cute picture!)

Wedding Reading..

April, My matron of honor who just so happens to be Mikes sister, is going to be doing a reading during our ceremony of a poem that she has enjoyed for a while. I immediately fell in love with the words while she was reading them. So, Without further ado..

A Poem Of Love

By Roy Croft

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.