I have been typing and deleting for about 4 minutes now, trying to find a way to start this post. It is hard for me and as I type these words I am fighting back the urge to go into our room, lay on the bed and cry while Natalie naps. I tend to do this more often than I would like to admit. She has developmental problems we have yet to find a cause for. Its heartbreaking. Growing up I always wanted to be a mother, even though my pregnancy was a VERY unexpected gift. I, as I am sure most pregnant women do, had this image of how she was going to look and act. I prepared myself to teach her by reading every parenting article I could get my hands on. I weighed the pros and cons of every type of method from sleeping to eating to playing to learning and back! I was prepared and determined to be the best mother in the world no matter what!
More often than not, I feel hopeless; less and less like the supermom I was ready to become. She is behind mentally and physically. I would trade ANY part of my life, if only she could have a normal one. I didn't/don't do drugs or drink. I exercised during pregnancy all the recommended ways. I ate healthy at least 85% of the time... I cant help but think it is my fault. I didn't take enough prenatal supplements or maybe I shouldn't have slept that way that one night... But I know there is nothing I could have done. I get frustrated when I do her "at home therapy" because she just CANT do things she should be able to... Then I feel bad because, what kind of a mother gets frustrated at that? I should be helping her, not thinking of myself! Who cares how I feel when my daughter, my whole world is struggling to learn to sit!
I have recently started taking medication for depression/anxiety. Again, I think... What a horrible mother I am.... I shouldn't need a pill to help me keep from feeling hopeless. I have a beautiful child and a wonderful fiance! So, on top of feeling hopeless and frustrated about my child's future, I feel guilty that I don't appreciate the things I do have.
I don't know what there is that I can do. We have seen doctors and have tests pending, but its so hard. Waiting for news you and everyone who works with your child know its going to be bad. The day Natalie was born, was the best day of my life. I feel like some people say that and they only say it because everyone does... But, I never knew a heart could feel so much love. Its the most incredible and indescribable feeling. But hearing that your daughter will need physical therapy for years, and she needs to see a neurologist, and that she isn't hitting even close to her milestones...
HEARTBREAK.
That feeling is easy to describe. My perfect child isn't perfect? No, not MY child! Mike says things like.. "she will grow out of it", and I know he just needs to tell himself that to feel better. He doesn't want to believe his precious baby girl, HIS world, is anything but perfect.
I remember once, right before I got pregnant, I was praying for patience in looking for a new job...Well God, you sure did show me how much patience I really have...
I know my God has given me more strength than I ever though I would have to handle this hurdle and I am grateful for that. I enjoy the small goals that Natalie reaches more than any other mom I know does with their child. I feel like maybe I have at least that to look forward to. Her smaller (and seemingly less important) victories are huge celebrations in our house and I love every one of them.
I guess part of being a "super mom" is preparing yourself for heartbreak. No child will be perfect. But to me, my sweet Natalie is perfectly imperfect and I love her all the same. Her motivation and determination is incredible. I would give any one of my talents for that.
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