Feb. 9th-
The first class was great! I even teared up a little. It seemed like, the more we knew about the program, the more we wanted in...
That evening I took a pregnancy test that turned out to be possitive. I guessed that God had other plans for us. A few weeks went by and I saw my OB here in Louisiana, Dr. Leslie Dean. (Shes really straight forward & I highly recomend her!) The ultrasound technician had a hard time getting an ultrasound, but after a few tries they determined the approximate length of my pregnancy was 6 weeks. I, of course, had concerns since we already have a child with physical AND mental abnoralities, but I was reasured that they would do every test possible to make sure I had a healthy baby.
This is the ultrasound we took home.
You can see where she had to point out where the baby was on the screen for us.
March 8th-
I got up out of bed shortly after Mike got home. He had recently switched to the evening shift at work, so he usually doesnt get home until 11. It was about 10:40 when I got up to use the bathroom. I REALLY had to go! At least, it felt like I did... After several seconds of sitting there without being able to actually pee, I looked down and realized I was bleeding very slightly. I wasnt too worried about it because I had spotted a little before with Natalie in the very beginning. So, I laid back down but, I just started to hurt. People say, when you miscarry, it feels like menstral craps... But, to me, it felt more like I really had to potty & for some reason couldnt go! (you know.. like when your driving and cant find a gas station to stop at...) Well after a few minutes of increasing pain I tried to use the bathroom again but, I was only bleeding more. Thats when I told Mike I was going to the hospital. We loaded up (yes, even Natalie. I was NOT going to ask someone that late to watch her & this end up being nothing...) & headed to Willis Knighton. I was admitted & seen rather quickly. I was still convinced it was nothing, but the nurse wasnt nearly as calm. Which made Mike & I both pretty nervous. After a few tests and several ultrasounds we were told I was having a miscarrage. We left the hospital around 4 in the morning and headed home.
Sadness.
Confusion.
Today-
I think the hardest part has been everyone elses reaction & sadness when we tell them. Its painful. Almost like we are experiancing it all again everytime someone asks how our unborn baby is doing. I know intentions are good, but its just a lose lose situation I guess.
The though has crossed my mind that since we cant find a genetic or neurological reason for Natalies failure to thrive, maybe its... ME. Maybe, my body is incapable of creating healthy children. I try not to worry too much about it but, it does haunt me.
I am lost on what it is God wants for our family. Maybe, for now, we will just focus on the little blessing we already have. Time marches on....
