I feel like if I were to list my lifes sins, I could fill up many books with this list. I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels this way.
These are books I wouldn't let anyone read.
I am ashamed of them and even though most of these sins are my secrets to keep or share, I feel as though I am being looked through on a daily basis. I have so many things to be ashamed of, its actually hard to keep track.... & this also makes me feel shame.
I find comfort in knowing there are worse people out there than me. Its sad, but true. Thoughts like this worry me.
If there weren't worse people would I strive to be better? or would there be no moral limit to the situations I might find myself in....
Why do thoughts like this even enter my mind?
Does God understand my heart & thoughts, even when I don't?
Do having such negative thoughts make me a bad person?
Does being ashamed of having these thoughts make a difference in how God sees me?
What kind of person am I to think things like this?
What type of Christian am I?
Am I even worthy to call myself such a thing?
The questions I have could also fill up many books.
Believe it or not, there was a time when I could look past my problems and find joy & peace in my life through praise.
I miss the person that I was and feel badly that my daughter & husband do not know that old me. I have become something awkward and disappointing.
If I feel this way about myself, how does my Father feel? Does he look down on me with disapproving eyes, or with hope that I might some day be better?
My dad likes to say that sometimes when bad things happen, its Gods way of conditioning our hearts to do his work. I dont feel like, with me, thats the case. It often feels like a punishment that is well deserved and long overdue.
^^^
This was a draft I had started a few months ago....
Shortly after my miscarriage.
I wasn't really sure where I was going with the post, it was just a message I felt like I needed to have saved for myself to read at a later time. Its become so easy to bury those feelings of regret and shame. It is so simple to let Gods face fade into the background of our lives & to allow negative & self righteous thoughts enter our minds.
After lots of prayer and a few words I needed to hear from a 'stranger' about being humble, I decided this morning to open my bible up & see where it takes me.
I am reminded of Luke chapter 15.
These parables that I have always known & could recite even as a child have never held any meaning to me. But, reading them again now, I feel like dust has been brushed away from my hearts door & I can let God back into my life.
I am not sure why or even when I became this awful person. But, I want to change.
Someone told me recently that repenting simply means to change your mind.
Well, I do. I change my mind.
Well I just want to say that from my perspective, you are a much better person now than you used to be. Not that you were a horrible person before, by any means, but from where I sit, the flaws that you had before (we've all got them. (: )are now either more refined, better dealt with, or non-existent. Not only that, but your natural strengths are more pronounced, and you've gained some other ones as a result of parenting Natalie, being married, being a housewife, and growing. In my humble opinion, your daughter and husband are better off knowing the person you are today than the person you were before. The person you are today is exactly the person they need to know. And, the very fact that you have come to terms with your past mistakes and the things that you are ashamed of, speaks volumes for the character that you have developed. Just wanted to share my perspective. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks :) It means more than you know to hear that..
DeleteYou're welcome. I just figured some perspective from someone who knew you before Mike and Natalie would be appreciated. I loved you then, but our life paths and simply lots of growing up has done us both a lot of good....and I personally believe your daughter and husband have EXACTLY the mommmy and wife that they need! (and want!)
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