As you all know, Natalie has (among other things) been having problems with speach and making sounds. Well, She has recently started to making humming noises while she eats. When she takes a bite of something she likes she goes hmmmm... When I say "oh thats yummy yummy" she goes hummy hummy in her little humming voice, almost like she is trying to say yummy yummy! Its great! When she cries and shes alone, like in her crib in the dark... She cries... MAAAAAAHH MAAAAAHH! like shes trying to say mama. Shes been doing that one for a little while, even some of our family has heard it!!
She hasnt really been making any progress at all in therapy for a few months. Just barely sitting for maybe a min longer than her usual 2-3 min average and it looks like she tried to sit herself up pretty often but she just cant figure out how to do it yet. Im not sure why but lately when I try to work with her and put her into different possitions she just gets excited or mad and stretches out and kinda locks her body out completely. She has strong legs, so when they are locked... they are LOCKED! I feel like part of the problem is that shes so interested in everything and anything that she wont do the things she needs to in order to improve... and when I try to force her she just gets tense and her body refuses it. Its little phases like this that make it so hard to be this mom I have to be...
I have this natural emotional defense that makes me take something she does well and do it over and over again because of my own selfish need to see her succeed. Its aweful, but I think its the only thing that keeps me from breaking down sometimes, even though I know I should be working on things she hasnt gotten yet, like sitting... I watch her scoot around the floor and try to crawl because its something she can do on her own without help and she enjoys.
So many things about her needs make me into a parent I didnt want to become. Doing therapy with her every single day at home and in the office kinda spoils her because right now... its just play time... She confuses me being down with her on the floor doing "work" as play time because thats how her therapy started out. Which in turn makes me feel like she just doesnt understand the difference and thats why she refuses to do the moves. I wish that play time could be play time and enjoyable for us both, but alot of times it isnt... I let her play with my face and clothes and things when we have play time and when its therapy time she doesnt want to do anything because she thinks she can play..... UUGGH! Because I refuse to let therapy be the only time we play... Im with her alot. with feeding her and changing her and work and playing and bath times... there isnt alot of time we are apart during the 12-16 hours we are up together. So, when I do need to get some cleaning or something done she cries her eyes out because we have been innocently spoiling her by spending so much time with her. of course when Mike gets home he wants to spend time with her too... So that first hour is litterally my only break.
I told myself during pregnancy that I would not have a spoiled child, but I fear she just doesnt understand sometimes and thats why she cries. She doesnt understand why I take her cup away from her when shes thirsty... even though its empty and I tell her every time that I am going to refill it.... So, why would she understand that I have things to do during the day that need to be done and I cant have her attached to my hip all the time... Being a mom is hard. Being THIS mom is really hard... Dont get me wrong, its still wonderful... wonderfully difficult.
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